Reflections on a rainy day (not today)

Reflections: one month later

I became unhappy with my life once I learned how to cook for one

For it was then that I realized

That love doesn't blossom in everyone's back yard

And when you have the chance to listen to your heart

You should take it

One jezveh

And a lonely coffee cup

Sit in the dish drying rack in my kitchen

There, I never drank coffee alone,

There were always at least 5 cups

Sitting in the dish drying rack

And you made coffee for me,

Each time, with sehr

Sehr means love in Armenian

But it is also the word used to describe

The additional foamy bit in your coffee

You can request your coffee with or without sehr

I always asked for sehr when I knew 

You were making the coffee

"Untitled" (anvernagir) is the title of works of art

Many are given this title there

And I am not surprised.

In a place where street names change regularly

And you can never be sure of the name of the street on which you live

In a place where you cannot define yourself

As others are much more quick to define you

In a place where words don't even exist

In the language in which you speak

Where rules are flexible, time is fluid, friends are constant

And each day holds no more new promises than the day before

"Untitled" is a word that describes more than just works of art.

Back in Toronto

12 days since my last post and so much has happened... those near and dear to me have heard (or will hear) the stories... now that I'm back in Toronto, I have regular internet access but no desire to keep updating this blog... no words to share at the moment except that I'm broke and unemployed and so very much desire to be back in Yerevan... any leads for work/money/travel costs to be paid for are most welcome :-)

I am unhappy because I know that I have to leave

Even though this was such a beautiful place... Ambert... and I had a lovely day... I knew that I had to leave and I most definitely did/do not want to leave

So full of LIFE

There is so much life here... sometimes there's no electricity, sometimes they cut the water, and you're lucky (and privileged) if you can take a hot shower every day or every 2 days, if you have a job, if you can afford to eat well... there are many things that Yerevan does not have, but what it does have is LIFE. I have been taking photos of people's hands because they are so expressive when they talk. You might not be able to flush the toilet after you've made a big stink, you may be told you can't have a cup of boiling water to top up your tea in the cafe because they have no more water, and you may even get tired of eating bread and cheese and cucumbers and tomatoes every day (not true), but you will be able to have the most passionate and inspiring conversations in the company of good friends and walk down the streets of Yerevan in the middle of the night wearing the same sleeveless shirt and shorts you've had on all day (and not be cold!) while the warm breeze caresses your hair and men may say stupid things to you, but really they're harmless and you can laugh at them all the way home...

You may cry at the weight of it all, the beauty and the sadness, the hopes and dreams, the laughter and the tears that would fill the wells the world over of an ancient people crushed between one super-power (Russia) and another (America). But what poetry - our language, our humour, our lifeline - this is the passion that fuels the fire and is what keeps us Diasporan Armenians coming back to this place again and again...

The complexities of our identities never ceases to amaze me. Our lives are so layered; really, where do you begin? I am only beginning to grasp the depth of it all....

There are a few truths though that I have come to realize: in Yerevan, I never have to repeat my name twice (neither my first name nor my family name), no one asks me how to spell it, and people don't forget my name or me the second time they see me. For those of you who know me well, you know how much of a pet peeve this is for me, growing up in English-speaking North America after all.

But of course nothing is that simple and the common-ness (or at least the familiarity) of my name does not mean that all is perfect in this city on ancient land. There is an underbelly to this city and a weight that especially queer women feel --- or really anyone who might be in the slightest way "odd" or "unusual" whether that be in the way they dress or in the choices they make; i.e. choosing not to get married or have kids or pierce your eyebrow if you feel like it. I am "odd" too but not as odd as the last time I was here, if you can believe. The city has changed and I have hope for her yet....

And then there are the women---the queers, the artists, the academics, the writers, the "odd" ones. Their strength inspires me. And the conversations that we've had! The late-night rounds of Kilikia (and occasional shots of vodka), dancing in houses with open windows and all the lights on for the neighbours to see, and as odd as we are, feeling safe and walking carefree in the streets of Yerevan in the middle of the night with the warm breeze carressing our cheeks...

In the past couple of days, however, we've parted ways, most of them off to Lake Sevan with family or friends to enjoy a few days of holidays while they have the chance. I know they will return. And when they do, I hope we can go out dancing and gather in each others' houses and have more amazing late-night conversations....

Until then, I remain with my fellow tourists as we walk these streets during the day and consume our cultural artifacts and the sounds and smells and tastes that this city has to offer in all its complexities... we purchase our Armenian-ness in neatly packaged boxes and spend our money on items to take back with us so that we may display them in our home on stolen land (Canada) and show our non-Armenian friends just how Armenian we are....

Sad but true: just like this city, Yerevan.

Indeed Amsterdam again

So it came to be that I found myself on a train to Amsterdam at 08h30 Saturday morning. I am a Scorpio and I am impulsive and sometimes that's not a bad thing. Yesterday (Friday) was the first day I did not get lost in Paris. I had a wonderful, full day and then it rained at night. These two things—a hassle-free day & rain—I guess reminded me of Amsterdam or at least I took it to be a sign that I was done with Paris. I decided a short weekend trip to Amsterdam was in order, so I got online at 5 am in the morning (I only went to bed at 3 am and I wasn't really tired—haven't been sleeping too well in the hot Paris flat). I got online, booked a ticket for a train leaving as early as possible (08h30) and then got ready, packed and, leaving my suitcase in Stéphane's Paris apartment, took my sac à dos and off to Gare du Nord where I was only a few days earlier :-)

I texted Sam when I was only 20 mins from Amsterdam Centraal and she came to meet me at the station! She gave me keys to her apartment, called me crazy, and off she went to another engagement promising to see me later. I slept in her cozy apartment and opened a book to a random page and guess what it said? "In Praise of Spontaneity." In praise of spontaneity indeed....

Amsterdam again?

I asked to take a picture of this bakfiets... the woman who owned the bike also had a lovely golden lab and asked me if I wanted to include him in the picture, which I thought was sweet... I asked her if there were many bikes like this in Paris and she said no and that she had to have it ordered specially—naturally, from the Netherlands :-)

Le Jardin des Tuileries et le Louvre 2

Le Jardin des Tuileries et le Louvre